By Dr. Chaz Mailey
How often have we heard men and boys being taught to “suck it up,” “big boys don’t cry,” or “be a man?” From a very young age men and boys are taught that they must suppress their emotions or they will be viewed as weaklings or lack toughness. Emotions are considered an affront to one's masculinity or “manliness.” To express sadness, to feel hurt, to be vulnerable, and even to express love is considered weak. While some view the subduing of feelings to be a positive quality or something to be commended, this is actually detrimental to the well-being of men and boys.
I can recall my time working as a psych technician in a facility for children and adolescents with severe behavioral problems. One afternoon after the children had been outside playing and we returned to their dormitory, a boy no older than 13 walked into his room and proceeded to destroy everything. He tore apart a heavy wooden dresser and many of his own toys and clothes. After about 20 minutes, he
was able to calm down and we had a conversation where he revealed that he was feeling somewhat helpless and afraid because he was being relentlessly bullied by another boy who was much bigger than he was. When I asked him why he didn’t come to me to tell me what was going on, he responded that he “didn’t want to look like a punk.” At that time, protecting his image of “toughness” was more important than his safety or his possessions.
I also remember something that happened when I was an adolescent. One evening a group of friends and I decided to camp out in the backyard of one of my best friends. I remember that we all stayed up talking throughout the night and found that we were really bonding. I still laugh when I think of how we expressed the connection and love we felt for one another in that moment, by stating “hey man, you’re cool.”
It seems that men are allowed one emotion: Anger. Anger is safe. It protects one from the deeper issues that might be swirling underneath the surface. It is a safeguard from what is really being experienced inside: Pain. Anguish. Embarrassment. Men are often taught that if something bothers us, it is okay to lash out, become aggressive, to fight. Anger and aggression don’t creates toughness, which seems to be the hope, but rather it can make us callous, unapproachable, and it does not teach one to get to the root cause of what is causing the difficulties. It can create separation between us and others with whom we might want to develop a more meaningful connection.
It is dangerous to live in a culture where men must suppress their emotions because it creates a space where men might be fearful of seeking help, particularly when they are feeling depressed. Many men suffering from depression lack the emotional vocabulary and emotional flexibility to be able to tell others what is going on inside of them (in many ways this isn’t their fault). Instead they might become more aloof, irritable, and for some they may seek out substances like drugs and alcohol as a means of escape from their emotional pain. Other may make the more drastic decision of taking their life (consistently the research shows us that men commit suicide at much higher rates than do women).
If you know of anyone or you yourself might be experiencing any of these challenges, please feel free to contact our office and there is someone there who is more than happy to help.
How often have we heard men and boys being taught to “suck it up,” “big boys don’t cry,” or “be a man?” From a very young age men and boys are taught that they must suppress their emotions or they will be viewed as weaklings or lack toughness. Emotions are considered an affront to one's masculinity or “manliness.” To express sadness, to feel hurt, to be vulnerable, and even to express love is considered weak. While some view the subduing of feelings to be a positive quality or something to be commended, this is actually detrimental to the well-being of men and boys.
I can recall my time working as a psych technician in a facility for children and adolescents with severe behavioral problems. One afternoon after the children had been outside playing and we returned to their dormitory, a boy no older than 13 walked into his room and proceeded to destroy everything. He tore apart a heavy wooden dresser and many of his own toys and clothes. After about 20 minutes, he
was able to calm down and we had a conversation where he revealed that he was feeling somewhat helpless and afraid because he was being relentlessly bullied by another boy who was much bigger than he was. When I asked him why he didn’t come to me to tell me what was going on, he responded that he “didn’t want to look like a punk.” At that time, protecting his image of “toughness” was more important than his safety or his possessions.
I also remember something that happened when I was an adolescent. One evening a group of friends and I decided to camp out in the backyard of one of my best friends. I remember that we all stayed up talking throughout the night and found that we were really bonding. I still laugh when I think of how we expressed the connection and love we felt for one another in that moment, by stating “hey man, you’re cool.”
It seems that men are allowed one emotion: Anger. Anger is safe. It protects one from the deeper issues that might be swirling underneath the surface. It is a safeguard from what is really being experienced inside: Pain. Anguish. Embarrassment. Men are often taught that if something bothers us, it is okay to lash out, become aggressive, to fight. Anger and aggression don’t creates toughness, which seems to be the hope, but rather it can make us callous, unapproachable, and it does not teach one to get to the root cause of what is causing the difficulties. It can create separation between us and others with whom we might want to develop a more meaningful connection.
It is dangerous to live in a culture where men must suppress their emotions because it creates a space where men might be fearful of seeking help, particularly when they are feeling depressed. Many men suffering from depression lack the emotional vocabulary and emotional flexibility to be able to tell others what is going on inside of them (in many ways this isn’t their fault). Instead they might become more aloof, irritable, and for some they may seek out substances like drugs and alcohol as a means of escape from their emotional pain. Other may make the more drastic decision of taking their life (consistently the research shows us that men commit suicide at much higher rates than do women).
If you know of anyone or you yourself might be experiencing any of these challenges, please feel free to contact our office and there is someone there who is more than happy to help.
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