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MANHATTAN MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES, LLC
Manhattan, Kansas

Men and Emotions Part II

8/26/2013

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By Dr. Chaz Mailey
I recently watched a video of the former boxing Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson admit to a room full of people that he has been struggling with alcohol and drug addiction for most of his adult life. In the video he emotionally revealed that up until 6 days prior to the interview, he had been drinking and drugging almost daily. He felt a strong pull that developed organically, to apologize for his actions and the pain and hurt that he may have caused people. It’s no mystery that Mr. Tyson is a troubled man with a troubled history. He’s dealt with or been involved in horrible things throughout his life. My guess is that there are few people that would make fun of Mr. Tyson for expressing himself so freely and openly. In fact, he has been getting quite a bit of respect from peers and his fans for his willingness to talk with others about the inner turmoil he experiences. I'm not saying that this situation is more important than others because he is a professional athlete. But I do think that it can demonstrate to men and boys that even someone who was once paid to try and hurt other people for a living, has the capacity to feel and it is not an indictment against his "manliness."  

Last time we talked a bit about what depression in men looks like (e.g. anger, aggressiveness, heavy or light substance use). But  how can men young and old begin to address their feelings in a healthy way?  Here are a few tips:

1) Be willing to acknowledge/admit that something is wrong - Part of the process of getting better is being able to verbalize what is impacting us, even if you do not fully understand what emotions you are trying to get across. 

2) Learn to expand your emotional vocabulary - Anger is not a "bad" emotion. In fact, anger can be very healthy if expressed appropriately. However, if anger is the "only" emotion you're experiencing, chances are you are going to have a more difficult time connecting with others. For example, if something your significant other said to you earlier in the day "hurt," tell them that rather than stonewalling or lashing out verbally. It is also okay to say that you do not entirely understand your feelings, but that you are working at trying to express them.  

3) Be cautious not to tie so much of your self-worth into your career - One of the significant causes of depression in men is unhappiness at work, unemployment, or retirement. One way to potentially overcome being unhappy in your job is developing other aspects of your identity. Is there something you were/are passionate about outside of your career? If you've lost some of your connection to it, try reconnecting with it again. For example, I once worked with an individual who was career military and when his career ended, he was went into a mild depression. Together we explored his interests, things he did in the past or things he wanted to try.  He always enjoyed basketball and although he was not physically capable of playing the way he had in the past,  he started attending basketball practices with his grandson and eventually became an assistant coach. 

4) Try to spend more time focusing on the things you can change rather than the things you can't -  Maybe we can't predict the traffic and it can be really frustrating when things are moving slowly. But is getting really angry and honking at people going to make things move faster?  Try to listen to a good song instead.  Or, perhaps there is a trait about your partner that really irks you. Instead of  spending so much emotional energy trying to "teach a dog to quack like a duck," focus on the traits that your partner has that you DO love about him or her.  

This list of tips is not exhaustive, nor does it reflect the attitudes of all mental health professionals.  I'm also not saying you have to tearfully release all of your deepest secrets and insecurities to the masses. However, sometimes taking the first few steps and reaching out can really go a long way.

*This video was borrowed from The Fight Network page on Youtube. No copyright infringement intended.
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Forgiveness

8/18/2013

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By Dr. Katie Tolle
Forgiveness is a big idea and can even be overwhelming. Sometimes it can seem that forgiveness is impossible, even unhealthy. There can be all kinds of reasons to forgive or not and it is typically an extremely emotional decision. From my perspective forgiveness is a process that requires introspection, awareness of one's own experience/emotions, and patience. It is most definitely not something that you can often skip to the last step, in particular if you have been wounded deeply.

The reason I think that forgiveness can sometimes be controversial is due to misunderstanding what it is and what it is not. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay or that the person in need of forgiveness even deserves it. This is not a just or fair world and I think that forgiveness can be a reminder of that fact. It is my belief that forgiveness is for the person wronged, not the perpetrator. When we hold onto the pain that has been inflicted on us, we do not hurt the person that hurt us, only ourselves.

It is also my belief that forgiveness is necessary in order to have long-term and fulfilling relationships. I believe this because I am not aware of anyone that I love who has not hurt me at one point or another. In order for our relationship to continue and to grow I had to come to a place of forgiveness. The relationship will not be exactly the same but with any luck the relationship will become stronger because each of us have come to a different understanding of one another and trust that the relationship is important enough to work through difficult situations.

With any difficulty there is an opportunity. Without forgiveness you may be missing out on an opportunity to learn, cultivate relationships, and grow. It is so important to be open to the process and to learn to acknowledge your feelings and to let it go so that you can move forward. If you or anyone you are close to needs any help with forgiveness please contact us.

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The Dangers of Encouraging Men Not to Express Emotions

8/10/2013

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By Dr. Chaz Mailey
How often have we heard men and boys being taught to “suck it up,” “big boys don’t cry,” or “be a man?” From a very young age men and boys are taught that they must suppress their emotions or they will be viewed as weaklings or lack toughness. Emotions are considered an affront to one's masculinity or “manliness.” To express sadness, to feel hurt, to be vulnerable, and even to express love is considered weak. While some view the subduing of feelings to be a positive quality or something to be commended, this is actually detrimental to the well-being of men and boys.

I can recall my time working as a psych technician in a facility for children and adolescents with severe behavioral problems.  One afternoon after the children had been outside playing and we returned to their dormitory, a boy no older than 13 walked into his room and proceeded to destroy everything. He tore apart a heavy wooden dresser and many of his own toys and clothes. After about 20 minutes, he
was able to calm down and we had a conversation where he revealed that he was feeling somewhat helpless and afraid because he was being relentlessly bullied by another boy who was much bigger than he was. When I asked him why he didn’t come to me to tell me what was going on, he responded that he “didn’t want to look like a punk.”  At that time, protecting his image of “toughness” was more important than his safety or his possessions.

I also remember something that happened when I was an adolescent. One evening a group of friends and I decided to camp out in the backyard of one of my best friends. I remember that we all stayed up talking throughout the night and found that we were really bonding. I still laugh when I think of how we expressed the connection and love we felt for one another in that moment, by stating “hey man, you’re cool.”

It seems that men are allowed one emotion: Anger.  Anger is safe. It protects one from the deeper issues that might be swirling underneath the surface. It is a safeguard from what is really being experienced inside: Pain. Anguish. Embarrassment. Men are often taught that if something bothers us, it is okay to lash out, become aggressive, to fight. Anger and aggression don’t creates toughness, which seems to be the hope, but rather it can make us callous, unapproachable, and it does not teach one to get to the root cause of what is causing the difficulties. It can create separation between us and others with whom we might want to develop a more meaningful connection.

It is dangerous to live in a culture where men must suppress their emotions because it creates a space where men might be fearful of seeking help, particularly when they are feeling depressed.  Many men suffering from depression lack the emotional vocabulary and emotional flexibility to be able to tell others what is going on inside of them (in many ways this isn’t their fault). Instead they might become more aloof, irritable, and for some they may seek out substances like drugs and alcohol as a means of escape from their emotional pain. Other may make the more drastic decision of taking their life (consistently the research shows us that men commit suicide at much higher rates than do women).

If you know of anyone or you yourself might be experiencing any of these challenges, please feel free to contact our office and there is someone there who is more than happy to help.
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We moved!!!

7/31/2013

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We recently relocated from Poyntz Avenue. You can now find us at 2601 Anderson Avenue Suite 201, Manhattan, KS 66502, to see a map with more details, click here. With the construction on Poyntz and closer parking at the new office, we hope that it will be easier for our clients to access our office. While we are striving to remain available for everyone through this move, it may be difficult to reach us via phone. In the meantime, everyone is welcome to call 785.341.8626. We can also be reached via this website (contact form) or email at manhattanmhs@att.net. We are also in the process of updating all of our information, but please keep in mind that our website will have the most up-to-date information.

One reason we chose to move to the Anderson location is the availability of a group room. We can't wait to start referrals so that a general process group can begin soon. For more information on group therapy, click here. If you think you might be interested in starting therapy (whichever modality), we hope that you will contact us and ask more. We offer a free 15 minute phone consultation in order for you to make an informed decision about treatment. Mental health treatment can be powerful and help facilitate incredible change, but it requires your investment in the process.
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