By Dr. Chaz Mailey
As I watched students arriving on campus, I was thrilled to see so many of them with smiles on their faces. Giving strangers high fives and jumping in the air, hands raised, for "freeze frame" shots to show their enthusiasm about being back at school. And then I saw some students who didn't seem to be quite so happy to be on campus. They clutched their backpacks, blood draining from their knuckles and fingers. They chewed on clothes and they were sweating profusely from their palms and their brows (not just from the lovely Kansas heat). Their eyes dart nervously from person-to-person and they sometimes have trouble articulating what it is they might want or need. I'm being somewhat facetious, but it was refreshing to see all of the excitement and joy of a new semester for some of them and I felt a certain sadness for those individuals who seemed so concerned about where they were going or how they might look.
After having some of these individuals enter my office and talk to me about the troubles they were having, much of the pressure they were feeling comes from perfectionist thinking. Perfectionism can be seen as the general idea that anything less than "perfect" is not good enough or it is unacceptable. Sometimes this way of thinking can have a crippling effect on us or our ability to be productive, creative, and/or our ability to get out and meet new people (this would be a great opportunity to read my colleague's previous and wonderful blog post on "Loneliness"). For example, a person with perfectionist thinking might refuse to go to a party because they just can't seem to get the right color combination for their clothing. Or in the case of some college students who are perfectionists, refusing to hand in assignments because they believe they are "sub par." We can get so engrossed in doing things "exactly right" that we don't allow space for the inevitable, that we'll probably screw up at some point in time.
This was actually an interesting conversation I had with a co-worker. We discussed that sometimes the thought is that we are not allowed to make mistakes. That somehow doing so is "awful" or the "worst thing that could happen in the world." She said that she often tells her clients that "it's okay to drop the ball." It is okay to be imperfect because none of us are completely without flaws or shortcomings (outside of Beyonce). I think this really simple thought can release us from the significant amount of pressure that we sometimes put on ourselves. It is important that we give ourselves the space to be human. This can be a major challenge for someone who is a perfectionist, to say to yourself that "it is okay to make a mistake." With perfectionism, I think that the fear is that if we make a mistake it does not just reflect on what we were attempting to do, but on us as an individual. In some ways the incorrect view could be that making a mistake makes one a "less than." That we are not as "good" as others. Or that in order to be worthwhile we must be better than the average person. Sometimes the first step is seeking out help and admitting that perfectionism is something that you are struggling with, and you really want the opportunity to move past it and learn to accept yourself as you are.
If you think that you struggle with this and it is causing a great deal of tension or displeasure in your life, please contact us here at Manhattan Mental Health Services, LLC.
As I watched students arriving on campus, I was thrilled to see so many of them with smiles on their faces. Giving strangers high fives and jumping in the air, hands raised, for "freeze frame" shots to show their enthusiasm about being back at school. And then I saw some students who didn't seem to be quite so happy to be on campus. They clutched their backpacks, blood draining from their knuckles and fingers. They chewed on clothes and they were sweating profusely from their palms and their brows (not just from the lovely Kansas heat). Their eyes dart nervously from person-to-person and they sometimes have trouble articulating what it is they might want or need. I'm being somewhat facetious, but it was refreshing to see all of the excitement and joy of a new semester for some of them and I felt a certain sadness for those individuals who seemed so concerned about where they were going or how they might look.
After having some of these individuals enter my office and talk to me about the troubles they were having, much of the pressure they were feeling comes from perfectionist thinking. Perfectionism can be seen as the general idea that anything less than "perfect" is not good enough or it is unacceptable. Sometimes this way of thinking can have a crippling effect on us or our ability to be productive, creative, and/or our ability to get out and meet new people (this would be a great opportunity to read my colleague's previous and wonderful blog post on "Loneliness"). For example, a person with perfectionist thinking might refuse to go to a party because they just can't seem to get the right color combination for their clothing. Or in the case of some college students who are perfectionists, refusing to hand in assignments because they believe they are "sub par." We can get so engrossed in doing things "exactly right" that we don't allow space for the inevitable, that we'll probably screw up at some point in time.
This was actually an interesting conversation I had with a co-worker. We discussed that sometimes the thought is that we are not allowed to make mistakes. That somehow doing so is "awful" or the "worst thing that could happen in the world." She said that she often tells her clients that "it's okay to drop the ball." It is okay to be imperfect because none of us are completely without flaws or shortcomings (outside of Beyonce). I think this really simple thought can release us from the significant amount of pressure that we sometimes put on ourselves. It is important that we give ourselves the space to be human. This can be a major challenge for someone who is a perfectionist, to say to yourself that "it is okay to make a mistake." With perfectionism, I think that the fear is that if we make a mistake it does not just reflect on what we were attempting to do, but on us as an individual. In some ways the incorrect view could be that making a mistake makes one a "less than." That we are not as "good" as others. Or that in order to be worthwhile we must be better than the average person. Sometimes the first step is seeking out help and admitting that perfectionism is something that you are struggling with, and you really want the opportunity to move past it and learn to accept yourself as you are.
If you think that you struggle with this and it is causing a great deal of tension or displeasure in your life, please contact us here at Manhattan Mental Health Services, LLC.
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