By Dr. Kathryn Tolle
When I started as a psychologist, I never envisioned how much I would talk about death. It had been and continues to be a topic that creates anxiety for me. I remember the first time I had to talk about it with a client. I remember feeling lost, incompetent, scared. However, over the years, I have had to increase my comfort with talking about it. I have come to realize that our culture, at times, can be insensitive about death and it seems we all avoid thinking about death at one point or another. It can be difficult to know how to comfort others who are experiencing a loss.
The reality is that death can be brutal. It can be beautiful. It can be all things. Death is the ending to all our lives. Something we will all experience. When someone you know dies, there are a myriad of reactions, all with their own validity. It is important not to judge your own experience or the experience of others. Each journey is unique because each person had a unique relationship with the individual who has died. Sometimes the well-meaning things people say can feel like jabs or superficial cliches in your moment of despair. Sometimes these same sayings can offer comfort. The important thing to remember is that nothing anybody can say or do will change the reality that you are hurting. And that you will hurt. The pain is a normal reaction to something terrible that has happened. Please also remember that some death can be traumatizing (e.g. murder, suicide) and that could involve a different reaction and potentially a longer recovery. Again, completely normal.
I would love to be able to tie this rather large topic into a nice bow of things to do or say or feel in your times of sorrow, but the truth is, there are no universals. You must find your own ways of coping with the death of someone you know and love. I will say that therapy can offer a place to vent your feelings, be aided in the discovery of the coping you need, and the adjustments that may come to your identity depending on the situation. If you find that you would like to come and talk with someone, please do not hesitate to contact us whenever you need it.
When I started as a psychologist, I never envisioned how much I would talk about death. It had been and continues to be a topic that creates anxiety for me. I remember the first time I had to talk about it with a client. I remember feeling lost, incompetent, scared. However, over the years, I have had to increase my comfort with talking about it. I have come to realize that our culture, at times, can be insensitive about death and it seems we all avoid thinking about death at one point or another. It can be difficult to know how to comfort others who are experiencing a loss.
The reality is that death can be brutal. It can be beautiful. It can be all things. Death is the ending to all our lives. Something we will all experience. When someone you know dies, there are a myriad of reactions, all with their own validity. It is important not to judge your own experience or the experience of others. Each journey is unique because each person had a unique relationship with the individual who has died. Sometimes the well-meaning things people say can feel like jabs or superficial cliches in your moment of despair. Sometimes these same sayings can offer comfort. The important thing to remember is that nothing anybody can say or do will change the reality that you are hurting. And that you will hurt. The pain is a normal reaction to something terrible that has happened. Please also remember that some death can be traumatizing (e.g. murder, suicide) and that could involve a different reaction and potentially a longer recovery. Again, completely normal.
I would love to be able to tie this rather large topic into a nice bow of things to do or say or feel in your times of sorrow, but the truth is, there are no universals. You must find your own ways of coping with the death of someone you know and love. I will say that therapy can offer a place to vent your feelings, be aided in the discovery of the coping you need, and the adjustments that may come to your identity depending on the situation. If you find that you would like to come and talk with someone, please do not hesitate to contact us whenever you need it.
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